Bit of a different theme of post today, I’ve been wanting to type something more personal recently. With exam results and a feeling of change / moving on in the air, this time of year sparks some awkward feelings for me. Plus with a few things going on at the moment I wanted to ‘type it out’!
Things Don’t Always ‘Work Out’..
The time 4 years ago I received my AS level results; a years worth of work, effort and enjoyment of courses singled down to a *click here* button. By no means was I an A* student, C’s and maybe a few B’s were good enough for me! I thought the exams had gone well (even though I hate the exam atmosphere!), I’d gone to all the extra courses and was under the idea everything would go ok..
C / C / D / U
As I read those letters my eyes started to tear. The D and U were in the subjects I felt had gone the best and ones that had the most coursework. Even today, four years on, all I think about is the U & D grades. It was such a slap in the face having done all that work- why did I bother. People told me that a D grade is still a pass, but to me anything below C isn’t. It’s fair to say from that moment my attitude towards education was shot, a wall was built and that was that. I continued with my second year, dropping those two subjects and doing another AS course. Even though my attitude wasn’t as positive I still continued to do the best I could- only with that feeling of ‘well all the work didn’t pay off last year!”.
Having your confidence knocked is such a personal thing and one that is hard to ever get over. It can happen in so many situations; driving, working, education, etc! As you can probably guess, after the AS grades I had absolutely no interest in going to university. Nothing against going, honestly I was envious of those who knew that they can / could further their studies. The second year at college was all about uni; where are you going? have you started UCAS? what applications have you done? Having to tell some people / teachers that you had no interest in it all sometimes got you a unimpressed look with the sarky phrase ”so what will you do then?”.
My plan was to just go into work and see if I could work my up somewhere. I’d never been a person who had a big life plan. Since leaving college in 2013 I’ve had a few different retail jobs. Some better than others but all have given my experience and knowledge. Over the last few years my educational wall has slowly lowered and further learning has been brewing. There’s never been one job dream that’s stuck; rally car driver, nurse, teacher, graphic designer have all come up! Most things I look into need fancy courses which aren’t around me and are far too expensive to take a risk on. I have this constant fear that whatever I try / do won’t work out- still the effect of those results..
I don’t really speak about this to people, mostly because I don’t have many to talk to haha! When I’ve mentioned it before, adding my previous doubts, the normal response is to ‘just go and do it!’. I don’t like to burden people with my boring life so I then try to quickly move the conversation on. There’s a course which I considering starting in September at my local college; an introduction into web design. It’s not that expensive, not far from work and if it doesn’t work out job wise, I figured it would be good knowledge for blogging? If you have any suggestions or info on starting in web design please me a comment below!
The theme of this post has gotten a bit lost I think- apologies! But I wanted to say is that things don’t always work out and that it can be personally hard to get over things. When it seems that everyone around is doing well, getting the grades, going to university it can be hard to feel ok. This isn’t a ‘don’t worry it all works out in the end’ post because I’m still dealing with it all fours years on. I don’t think the people who get the grades, placements and just generally things working out for them get how lucky they are. Plus how the general ‘don’t worry’ isn’t as reassuring as intended. This isn’t a post of me feeling sorry for myself, just that if someone reading this is in a similar boat that they’re not alone in feeling so!
Hopefully a few of you reading this understand what I’m trying to say in this post! Do leave any comments or blog posts below.
Thank You So Much For Reading 🙂